Why it's hard for whales to swim with sharks

I’ve been joking about swimming with sharks for months now, but an opportunity presented itself in my email box via Groupon and I couldn’t pass it up. I am going on the Shark Tour offered by La Jolla Water Sports. No, the sharks are not dangerous. They’re leopard sharks with mouths too small to even take off an arm. Two hours. Underwater. Sharks. Coral. Pretty fish. Heaven. I bought the Groupon without even knowing if I could find someone to go with me. I will go alone if I have to. They supply masks, fins, and snorkels, but most importantly, they will be guides and tell us where to go to see the good stuff.

So now that I am going, I have another problem: what to wear. I do not have a bathing suit that’s fit for public consumption. No. Really. Every time I have dreamed of taking scuba diving classes, I have always stopped short because I’m too worried I won’t fit their provided wetsuits (I’m not a standard size) and the humiliation I’d face when they informed me scares me too much to consider inquiry. I go to the pool at my trailer park with shorts and a t-shirt and even that is scary for me. But I am committed now. I have to wear something to go snorkeling.

This is what I had in mind. A cute suit that would cover all my cellulite and enough of my stark white skin that I wouldn’t get mistaken for a beluga whale. Off to Google I go. HA! Those cute suits only exist for kids and teens. Once you get into adult sizes, forget any pretty pattered lycra. It’s all solid and boring.

This was the very best I could find for adults. Even at a hefty $70, I would buy this in a heartbeat, but of course, it doesn’t come in whale sizes. It goes up to 2X but with my bust and hips, there is no way I could fit in that size.

This is what I found in my size: basically a wetsuit made with Lycra instead of neoprene. It goes all the way to the ankle! Do I not stand out enough at the beach as it is? You want me to arrive in longjohns? My lower arms are the only part of my body that has even a hint of tan and while my legs are not sexy by any stretch of the imagination, I carry almost no fat at all below the knee (it’s all on my hips and thighs). Plus, it’s $99! Ouch. I’d been secretly hoping I could start swimming more and maybe LOSE some of this fat, but this suit is not going to help me feel more comfortable at a public pool.

So I started thinking separates. I didn’t like the idea because I’m so short-waisted. I really wanted that long, uninterrupted front panel to draw the eye down to my acceptable shins, but what I wanted didn’t exist. Given that I had no choice but to compromise, maybe I could go back to my original vision and get a pretty printed fabric now that I was forced to settle for bike shorts and rash guards. Something like...

Again, this was a pipe dream. Large women have NO print choices at all. Large men have one print choice:

Ugh. Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against camo prints on people who could conceivably have real use for camo. Military guys and gals. People who hunt or who participate in paintball wars. However, it’s just not “me”. Plus, although it is supposedly 4X, I’m very skeptical this would fit me. The size chart goes by weight instead of measurements, and I am considerably over the weight limit given. It’s cut for men, meaning probably no allowance for bust. At least this is very nicely priced at only $19.99 for the set. Further reason to doubt it would fit. Nothing made for large people is ever reasonably priced. Ever. Which brings me to my next point...

Here’s a very pretty-colored rash guard (swimshirt) that comes in my size. However, it’s $60 for just the shirt. Add some swim pants and I’d have to spend at least $90 total. And of course pants do not come in this pretty color or any other feminine color (pink, lilac, red, orange, or yellow). At all. They simply do not exist. If I want to keep the top and bottom matching each other (so I don’t get visually cut in half) I am reduced to all black or all navy, with the choice of navy eliminated if I want to be modest. The capri length only comes in black.

This monotone combination is so blah and boring I couldn’t find a model wearing anything like this to show you. Yes, I will feel nominally presentable to go snorkeling, but it probably won’t motivate me to swim as exercise more. I haven’t made the final decision and placed my order yet because I’m so uninspired.

This whole situation is pretty sad. Swimming is one of the best exercises for fat people because it’s highly aerobic and low impact. Swimming is about the only exercise I don’t totally despise. I love swimming. Someone needs to start making practical, sun-smart swimwear from the coolest patterned and brightly-colored lycra, in larger sizes. I even thought of doing it myself, but no sewing patterns exist, even for wetsuits. I would have to draft the pattern as well as sew it. While I have drafted patterns for regular clothes, I have no experience in swimwear or wetsuits. If lycra wasn’t so extremely expensive, I might experiment one of these days.

In the meantime, I’ll be wearing the monotone, dark-colored, 2-piece sunsuit from Beluga Fashions.

But I WILL be swimming with sharks.